Our New Story

 My sweet babies, I am gathering my thoughts for our call tomorrow evening.  Every Tuesday at 7:00 p.m. I call you guys.  The calls are pretty dry.  You guys say "Hi and that's all we're saying." And then I talk to you for exactly 3 minutes at which time Ruby says we're hanging up now.  And I say "Bye I love you!" as fast as I can so you'll hear me before you hang up.  It's so strange to me that this is even happening. It's been hard to adjust to this.  I don't think I ever will.  We are meant to be together because I am your mom and you need me and I love you.  But I do accept that at this particular time, we are not together.  It's not my choice but I accept that this is how it is right now.  This week I decided that I need to figure out a better way to process my feelings about this separation.  I have been waking up heavy hearted every day for months about this situation but it's not helping anyone.  I have to let go of the weight of this situation and stop blaming myself.  I am practicing trusting more so that I can give it to God and stop agonizing every minute.  I realized tonight that our old story is dead.  We need a new story.  Who would want that old one any way?  I was not a strong lead.  I was weak in a sick relationship that was draining me and compromising my worth.  My babies, you need a strong Mommy and I am becoming that for you.  And for myself.  I am growing and healing, recovering from all the years of living a life that didn't have room for me.  I am so grateful to be free from that life and to have this opportunity to make a new life for myself and for you guys.  I'm sorry you haven't ever known me without the effects of the sick relationship.  I promise you  when we get to be together again, you will be getting a new and improved Mommy.  It will still be me, but better.  More patient and calm.  More tolerant and less agitated.  I'm sorry I let myself get so weak before.  I am trusting that our time together will come.  I am trusting God's timing.  I will keep doing all the things the court tells me to.  Right now I am working hard to make the money to pay for the evaluation the court has asked me to get.  It will cost $5,600.  It will take me about 3 months to save that much money.  The good news is, after the evaluation, I will have scientific proof that I am fit to be your mom and no one will ever be able to take that away.  I am mentally sound and it will be very clear in this evaluation.  It will most certainly become clear to the court as well that this is parental alienation and I am hopeful that the judge will restore my time with you as soon as he reads this report.  I am not crazy.  I was suffering in that old story.  I acted in ways I regret.  Those behaviors do not define me.  I am stable now because I am not being abused.  God is blessing me.  I work in an amazing spa with a wonderful team of coworkers.  I am paid well.  Soon, I will be able to save the money for a house, after I pay for the psych evaluation.  In one year I plan to have a house for us.  And this summer we will go to Montana all together to have a beautiful experience out of the heat and in a gorgeous environment where we can bond again and heal from this separation.  My little beings, I love you so much.  I dream of holding you, kissing your heads, smelling your hair, caressing your little faces.  My heart will always be open to you.  Always.

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